Fathers: See the man your son can be, not the man you need him to be.
My father died 5 years ago yesterday.
Here is a picture of him and I:
My father, Francis, was a cowardly man, passive aggressive, and reached out to hurt people in sly, sneaky, vicious ways. He also was the victim of not having a true father, and didn't know how to deal with his own pain, except to turn to resentment and then to hurt others in sly underhanded ways.
On Saturday, five years after his death, I communed with him, conversing with his spirit in a meditation. I understood from that conversation that he lacked the ability to see me in any other way than in the way he needed me to be. And he needed me to be a certain way for him to feel good… and because I wasn’t what he needed, he stewed on a secret resentment for over 50 years….
Of course, he never got what he needed from his son… because he never got what he needed from the man who pretended to be his father.
He was untrained in the ways of the deep Masculine, being raised by a 'cold fish' of a man who didn't like him. (The man pretended to be his father for 19 years, but my father knew something was wrong but couldn't pinpoint it. At age 19 he learned that this man who raised him was not his father, and had resentfully raised him to hide the shame of his mother's pregnancy).
In this communion I saw through veils of stories and confusion that plagued generations of men in my lineage.
And I saw my own son. On one side of who I wanted him to be for me…. And on the other side I saw him as he truly was and could be.
I can see his true authentic potential. And when he’s not living up to that… I can offer him encouragement, challenge, and insight.
This is the sacred job of a father. To see your son’s authentic potential, and communicate that to him in the most skillful way possible. Run it through your heart.
And… be careful that you clear your own lens of perception from the disappointment of your own relationship with your own father.
It can get really mixed up, and it can be very confusing. The psychological state of co-dependency, needing someone to be something so you feel whole.
The steps are simple, yet difficult to achieve.
First, become an independent soul, loving yourself, forgiving yourself, clearing yourself of your own lifetime of baggage and stories.
With your lens more and more clear, see your son as who he truly is, and love him for that, in the deep ways of the masculine (with depth and stillness and presence).
Then… and only then… see your son for who he can truly be. And call him to that. Challenge him, encourage him, teach him.
He can reject you, and there is nothing wrong with that. But when you’ve cleared your lens, love him for who he is NOW, and THEN call him to more… that is the path of the Divine Father and you are fulfilling one of the most powerful promises of Divine Fatherhood.
As a Son
So what can you do as a son, ye who did not have this divine father? Forgive your Father, for he knows not what he does… and follow the same steps. Clean your ego lens, figure out who you are, and stay true to it vs what you expect your Father wants for you.
Here is a photo of me and my father, a few months before he died:
